Here I am.

I was away. Gone for nearly four months trekking around Europe and then picking up pieces of my life in Canada these past couple months. It’s good to be home. And still, I will always have a wandering eye for the foreign mystique. I have learned some things, things I believed to be true and then proven in beautiful clumsy reality. It’s good to be alive. I tempted fate a little; what’s life without the risks?

Not life.

And now that I’m back, I must say I’ve missed my regular stints on this young old blog. I hope to share a few thoughts I deem worthy of your read. Thank you for reading, by the way. Time is so precious that your moment’s glance at this page is but complete flattery for me.

The trip cannot be summed up in a few words, or even a post, but I will tell of one piece of the experience that stays with me. I had the ingredients before I left, cooked it up over there, now I’m serving it home local…and wherever else I go.

I call it ‘No Hesitation’.

Before me there was some philosopher dude named René Descartes. Buddy put it this way, “Cogito ergo sum”, Latin for “I think, therefore I am”. The meaning of the phrase is that someone wondering whether or not they exist is, in and of itself, proof that he does exist. At the very least, there must be an “I” who does the thinking. As I respect his theory, and see validity in his words, I will challenge this notion of mindful being. I guess you can say I’ve been, without thinking. And it’s awesome.

No, I am not advocating drugs of any sort. This ‘being’ of which I speak is so simple, so natural, so easy. We were all once this way, but we lost it or it was taken from us in small moments of societal participation. How many times have you heard someone say “Think before you speak”? I won’t argue the value of this advice, but as I continue to strive for the origin of being, I will say that this sort of ‘thinking’ or any thinking for that matter keeps us from being. To be fair, there are times when premeditated actions and speech are necessary, but forgetting how to just be, now that is a shame.

I had the pleasure of being in the company of some friends the other week, and one said: “Its so nice to be with you guys, I can just be myself. When I’m with some people, I have to think first”. This made me think…She added how she felt free among us and wished she could take this feeling with her wherever she goes. This made me think some more…

Whilst backpacking from country to country I felt the weight of the things I carried. I had a 60-liter pack, a bible-sized guide to Europe and then for some ungodly reason I thought Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace was a good companion…I chucked Leo in Budapest. I packed light, but it’s never light enough when travelling through several towns and cities in 15 countries. Needless to say I left a little trail of things as I went. One thing that I packed very little and definitely lost in between the hostel bunks and trains was my filter. This filter is for family functions where my niece and nephews listen to me, when I’m in formal company and moments of professional seriousness…but even they have learned to accept me. So with having to find a new bed every week, use a new train/subway/bus route and find the gems of each new place on a new map, I had enough thinking to do. And man, there were some stressful scenarios I had to make do. Problem-solving and being prepared for the unknown was a daily given. So when it came to my words and walk, I said and did things as it happened and it happened naturally. We all have an instant reaction to events and stimuli, though we train ourselves to act with measured expression. I will continue doing this because it is a useful skill no doubt. Though when you have nothing to lose, or do not care to keep fragile things, I advocate the instant aliveness that is being the first version of yourself.* The you you; the original human that wants, needs and feels strongly even if its sentiments are not based in ‘reality’ or viewed as just by others. I was closest to this part of me whilst backpacking; Australia and Europe. And I do bring this part home as well…though this time I feel that I am bringing her home more than ever before. (Yes, I know I am beginning to sound crazy, speaking in third person).

*Disclaimer: If your unfiltered reactions cause harm to others, don’t do it! (Just in case someone extreme reads this…)

I argue against a different understanding of Descartes “I think, therefore I am”. I argue that it is when you are not thinking that you truly are. You need to be once removed from yourself when you are thinking. But when you are unified in presence, meaning your reality is the same as your imagination, you are free. You can do this simply by ridding yourself of hesitation’s pause, letting your honest self run forth and make the life you deeply crave. This self-given gift of original being is the ultimate liberation no matter your physical place.

I know that when you allow yourself to be raw and uninhibited you naturally have a better time. And if you know me, you know I like to have a good time. Whilst away I was completely present in body and mind. I sought out and often found the people, places and experiences that I really wanted. Life was so fresh, and it still is. There was no time wasted trying to do or be something ‘I should’. I lived truer and more real for my lack of hesitation. When some guy on an overnight train was coughing all over me I told him to stop. I offered him my cough medicine. I would rather confront him than be upset in my head the whole time. It worked. And when I saw a stranger I liked from a distance I approached them and created a friend. That is how I found my Italian hosts and people I now consider family. But I’ve seen Taken, (my dad forced me), so I do make judgments and informed decisions as I go and my gut steers me pretty clear. I made it safe those four months and have endless stories filled with my whim’s desire.

Here I am now. At the end of the day it is Canada that I love. And I plan to give my affections as they come and they come naturally. Here, I am determined to spend the least amount of time thinking about what I do and more time doing. If I can’t enjoy such simple liberties here, then I will not stay. But I see it as I saw it before, it is a reality I can have. I suppose knowing so much about a society to which you belong means you have so many layers of pretense already recognized, almost instinctual in use, but it is not. This is a learned way to be. Though, when you are foreign and do not identify with local customs and values, you rarely participate in social niceties because you just don’t know them. It is easier to be free when your surroundings are not your everyday. Ways of being come into existence once you acknowledge and develop their cause with realization. This can go both ways, being as you deem expected or being as you damn well feel like.

The latter speaks to me, clearly.