Confessions of a writer

Before you say it, please allow me. I broke my promise. The one about me writing something new every Thursday without fail.

Well, if you look carefully, you’ll notice I skipped a week and today is not a Thursday.

So what happened? Why did I stop?

The answer is simple. In the words of my beloved, “If it ain’t there, don’t force it.”

And I do confess that at least two of my posts were forced. The most recent one and another I’ll let you guess…

I wanted to stay true to my word and improve my reputation as a writer. I wanted to show dedication, reliability and variety. I wanted to impress myself and I wanted to impress you, whoever you are. But after a few months, a decent run for a degent like me, I’m going back to my old ways. Don’t take it personally, I’m just digging in the mines and haven’t uncovered any gems as of late. And I’d hate to waste your time and make you read cubic zirconia when you deserve sapphires.

The crux of the matter is my lack of inspiration. Or more poignantly, the growing pessimism that is slowly consuming my thoughts. There appears to be a certain tone that’s developed in my public writing, the disenchanted observer. And although at times I have struck certain hard truths right on the nail, swiftly and accurately, other times it appears I have played the role of an angry critic that resents most everything modern and post modern.

Is my heart secretly Amish?

No. My heart is simply closed to the present. It loves the past too much. It doesn’t see a bright collective future, so it burrows itself in memories and antiquities. It curses technology because it has done more bad than good and it sheds a tear when it sees how time is no longer progress in human civilization.

In brief, I do not wish to sadden my readers. I want nothing more than to provide an escape from these harsh realities. But I can’t. Not today.

And the worst part is my day job suffers from it too.

I am a school teacher. My job is to educate, inspire and enable youth to take on tomorrow. Its my job to say…

‘You can be and do anything if you try your best’

‘You can change the world’

‘Social justice can win’

But the more I read the news and look blankly at the state of the world, the harder it is to spew these desperate hopes. I can’t lie to young faces. So in absence of my certainty, I encourage young people to prepare themselves for the worst, while they strive for the best. I never discourage their dreams, but I remind them that challenges and obstacles exist. That the world is not perfect. And the longer we pretend that it is, the more disenchanted youth there will be. More people like me.

I don’t want young people to be fooled by the reality of our world. To educate, is to equip one with the skills necessary to succeed. And that is what I will do.

So when it comes to my writing, my tone isn’t what it was 7 years ago, when I began this journal online. Back then I wore rose coloured glasses. Now, not so much. And I don’t want to spread the pessimism that has steadily matured inside.

So from now on, when I do write, it will be selective writing. I’ll do my best to avoid the doomsday tendencies I sometimes give in to. I’ll try to be chip and cheerful, though that would take some effort. But at the very least, you can count on my honesty. If nothing else, that has been my one consistency.

So, this could mean a break, or I could be back tomorrow. Only time will tell. Just know that I’m not done writing. I’m just stopping myself before my writing spoils.

Be seeing you.