Death and Taxes

Not to be unduly morbid, but with each passing day we are inching closer to our last. Inarguable, yet unsavoury to the mind. Humans avoid fixation. Perhaps its for the best, to carry on living without much awareness of one’s mortality. I mean, what can you really do about it? Plastic surgery and all that kinda crap only alter your appearances. While the organic vegan hippie yoga lifestyle can have positive effects on your health and body’s endurance of time’s harsh realities…it can’t save you.

*Spoiler Alert*

You’re gonna die…someday.

Now that the shitty cat’s out of the bag, we can move on to the reason for this ditty.

What happens after you kick the bucket? I’m not trying to get spiritual here. To be quite frank, I’m not interested. Not even a little bit. Personally, I believe I’ll find out when I get there and not a second before. And I’m cool with that.

I’m talking about your funeral. Have you thought about it before? Chances are you have, but have you REALLY? Technically you won’t be there for it, but it is your last time to be the centre of attention. I’m not trying to make you sad. I’m actually hoping for the opposite effect. Think about it. Once your funeral is over, you no longer have control over anything else on Earth. Let that sink in.

So wouldn’t it be nice to go out in style? In YOUR style?

I’ve been to enough funerals to tell you that they’re all quite similar…depressing. Now don’t get me wrong, people are going to cry and I don’t expect that to change. I just think these funerals that we’re all used to, kinda suck. Death sucks. But why can’t a funeral be unique and uplifting? Rather than the same formula for everyone, why don’t we customize our last rites to suit the person recently departed? The only pre-requisite is forethought. You need to consider your departure while you’re still living.

*Warning*

Do not brood on the details of your funeral too much. i.e. choosing which wine and cheese pairings you’d like served at your wake. If you get too consumed by the idea, you’ll start to get weird.

Rather, go for something more along the lines of discussing with your loved ones whether you wish to be buried or cremated. Mind you, burials are exponentially more expensive than cremation…money, a good reason to chat about it now. If you want an expensive package, you need to plan for it. I’m no insurance salesman, relax. I just think you’ll take a lot of pressure off your nearest and dearest if you think and prepare for it.

Cool. Now for the fun part.

Think of your funeral as the last party you ever host. If it feels more appetizing a concept, consider yourself ‘The Great Gatsby’, man who throws the best parties but is nowhere to be seen. And seeing as this last hurrah is strictly in your honour, everyone will be thinking of you. So why not give them a good show? Leave them with a lasting final impression of the crazy fun loving and beautiful person you are and will always be.

I’m inspired by Donny’s exit in The Big Lebowski…if you’ve seen it, then skip the next couple sentences. But if you haven’t, here’s another *spoiler alert*

He dies. And his buddies The Dude and Walter have him cremated and put into a Folgers coffee tin. They scatter his ashes over the edge of a cliff, the breeze carrying it to the ocean and accidentally covering The Dude’s face.

That’s pretty much how I want to go. Except I’d like to add a few things. For one, I want it to be a party. Anyone who’s known me in someway is welcome, all they have to do is bring some good vibes and booze.

Location: somewhere near a pond, lake or any body of water.

Coffee tin: Tim Hortons, obviously.

Music: Oh man, am I going to have fun here. Its going to be a playlist of my all time favourites. Mostly hits from the 80s and 90s and some early 2000s. First song is Safety Dance by Men Without Hats (long version with the trippy electronic intro)…yea, that’ll get the party going…

Food: Pizza. Lots of pizza. All kinds. Including a bunch with pineapple on top, just to piss off my husband one more time.

Drink: A couple of cold kegs of beer. Both tapped in case my mates want to do a keg stand-off. And for my friends, served only in the finest, red solo cups.

I suppose my aim with a little pre-planning and assistance from those closest to me, is to throw one last good party for all the people I love. Because let’s admit it, this is actually for them. A chance to say goodbye. If they happen to say nice things about me, cool. If they happen to tell embarrassing stories about me, well then I’ll make sure I give them lots to choose from. If they happen to have a good time, well then it was a success. Tears will be shed (I fucking hope so!) but in between wiping their eyes, I just want everyone to laugh and remember the fun we had and how my life is complete because of them.

Ideally before the hangover kicks in, my friends will have tossed my ashes into the water and walked away feeling like that funeral was a fair representation of me living.

And that is all I want for you. Don’t be afraid of death, but be careful though. Right now I’m drinking my third green tea of the day…trying to keep mortality at bay. Drive safe, look both ways before you cross the road and don’t take too many unnecessary risks. These are the things I say to my wonderful ball and chain. Because lord knows, we’re just getting started…